History's lame in a lot of ways

I was perusing the listing of events that happened on this day in history and I came to the sudden realization that I needed more envelopes. I also suddenly realized that history is full of sad events. Deaths here and there of famous people. Wars being fought, won, lost, or tied (a rare event, but I'm sure it happened at least twice). It's like when you read a newspaper--just a bunch of attacks, unsolved murders, ice cream trucks being stolen, and editorial commentaries. Yuck.

They say that history is written by the victors and presumably they like to brag about the battles they just won, explaining the morbidity of the textbooks. I say history is written by those scary high school theater guys that dress in all black, have full beards or goatees at age 12, and say things like, "Huzzah!". Wouldn't that be a better explanation of the dark outlook of history? Let's examine the two options:

History written by the victors:
Half the time the victors couldn't even read, much less write. In fact, I bet writing wasn't even invented before half of history's so-called "battles". Think of all those wars in Europe that you learn about in school. These were fought by people that didn't even have super-basic things like good haircuts, GPS systems, or large-screen televisions. You expect them to be writing? Not gonna happen.

And look at the books they enjoyed back in that period. It was the drawings they cared about! You look at the most praised books from that day and they had all these fancy little borders and silly pictures that had no concept of depth perception whatsoever. You think they read a lot of words? I doubt it.

Now consider history written by the scary high school theater guys in trench coats:
Um, they already have the lingo. They say stuff like, "Methinks" and "Forsooth" all the time. So they'd be really good at writing the history books. Not to mention that these are the same guys that formed the following clubs at your high school: Fencing club, Jousting club, Monk Staff Fighting club, Thwarting an Enemy with a Large Axe club, and the Lightsaber club. So they definitely know a lot about historical fighting and could narrate a battle blow by blow perfectly.

They could also name every Jedi that ever lived and list them chronologically, ordered by the date they became a Padawan. That's just as essential in being able to write history, because we all know that history is full of curve balls and a knowledge of Star Wars means they understand and appreciate the greatest cinematic curve ball EVER thrown. No, it was not Darth Vader being Luke's father. No, it was not Luke and Leia being siblings. No, it was not even making films 4-6 first and then, years later, making films 1-3. Star Wars' great curve ball was the fact that (I'm not making this up) George Lucas got the idea for Chewbacca one morning while watching his wife Marcia drive off in her car. I'll let you do the research to figure that one out. Is it really surprising that they got divorced?

So it seems pretty clear to me that history was written by the same guys that stared down jocks who wanted desperately to stuff them into lockers. Many presume the jocks were just afraid that all those fencing club meetings would pay off and they didn't want to end up getting skewered by a wooden sword. But most people don't know the real reason the jocks never attacked those scary theater guys--they were being controlled by Jedi mind tricks. Huzzah!

Pictures:
Scary Theater Guy
Medieval Book
Marcia Lucas
Chewbacca