GPS, Tahiti, and 1973

On June 18, 1767, Samuel Wallis (an English sea captain) spots Tahiti and is considered the first European to reach the island. He was trying to get to Sydney but his GPS was in a cabin that they didn't use too much, so nobody heard the constant "Turn left now" and subsequent "Recalculating route." The GPS finally gave up because nobody was listening and right before the batteries died, it uttered, "Fine, sail anywhere you dang well please."

GPS systems are incredibly useful. I'm just surprised that more hasn't been done with them yet. Approximately three seconds after cell phones were invented, ringtones were being programmed based on popular songs of the day. Unfortunately, since the cell phone was really invented in 1973, the first three ringtones (the following information is not true) were poor electronic keyboard versions of John Denver's Rocky Mountain High, Roberta Flack's Killing Me Softly with His Song, and Marvin Gaye's Let's Get It On. Surprisingly enough, these three are still in the top ten most-purchased ringtones.

Actually, I would love to see ringtones from the following 1973 hits:

Bad Bad Leroy Brown (Jim Croce)
You're So Vain (Carly Simon)
Shambala (Three Dog Night)
Smoke On The Water (Deep Purple)
Dueling Banjos (Eric Weissberg and Steve Mandel)
Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy (Bette Midler)
Kodachrome (Paul Simon)
Ramblin' Man (Allman Brothers)
Your Mama Don't Dance (Loggins and Messina)
Neither One of Us Wants to be the First to Say Goodbye (Gladys Knight and the Pips)
Monster Mash (Bobby "Boris" Pickett and the Crypt Kickers)

I'm sure half of those already are ringtones, if not all of them. But I'd like to hear the poor electronic keyboard 1973 ringtone versions.

I would also just like to hear these 1973 hits, just for the sake of accomplishing one more random, yet oddly satisfying, thing before I die someday:

Also Sprach Zarathustra (Deodato)
Say Has Anyone Seen My Sweet Gypsy Rose (Tony Orlando and Dawn)
Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu (Johnny Rivers)
Half Breed (Cher)

So I went ahead and listened to these four via iTunes. Wow. 1973. For a few moments I thought it would be great to invent a time machine and go back to 1973, if nothing else for the music. Because that first list of 1973 hits was pretty fantastic, I must say. But then I listened to these four songs. I hope I'm not stepping on any toes here, but those songs are really quite horrible. With one exception. I'll let you mull it over for a few moments, trying to figure out which one is worth its weight in at least copper.

Meanwhile, back to the GPS concept, I think it would be great to have Voicetones you could download to your GPS. You could do some famous actors and actresses (Arnold Schwarzenegger, James Earl Jones, Sylvester Stallone, Angela Lansbury) or even a more popular character package that includes all the voices from particular shows. You could switch through the voices at your discretion.

I'm thinking the following packages would be the most popular:

Star Wars
Examples: "Chewy, I need you to make a left turn buddy, come on (followed by Chewbacca's familiar groan, if that's what it is)." "(A series of beeps and electronic noises) Oh my R2, you're right! They do need to turn right in 50 yards." "(stifled breathing) Release your anger. You have missed the exit. You must now make a U-turn." "U-turn you must take, yes. Missed the exit you have. Mm-hmm."

Star Trek (the original cast)
Examples: "Mr. Sulu (pause), turn left (pause) now! Full impulse power!" "Captain, if I may, I suggest a right turn in approximately 1.63 miles, it is the most logical course of action." "I'm sorry, Captain, but she just can't take another wrong turn! She won't hold! She needs to turn right in fifty yards or we're done for!"

Simpsons
Examples: "Don't have a cow, man, just make a U-turn." "Hey, what does this little arrow mean? Do you want me to turn right you cute little arrow? Is that the fastest way to the Donut King? Dough...nut...ahhh...(drooling sounds)"

ER
Example: "You need to take a left turn in 40 yards and intubate, STAT!"

Seinfeld
Example: (this one would be in conversation mode and constantly use all the characters, nothing would ever be just one voice) "I mean, come on! How hard can it be? I tell you to turn left, I should think you would turn left!" "That's what I said! You don't think they didn't turn left because I don't have much hair, do you?" "Who's turning left?" "Apparently not this guy!"

High School Musical
I can't give you any examples. I'm sure there would be a song and the GPS might even show a little dance number, probably on the school track. I haven't seen these movies and I don't think I ever will. It's a moral choice. I'm not opposed to their GPS Voicetune though.

Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Flu. That's the one song, of the four, that I considered actually worthwhile. The odd thing is that I checked the popularity meter on iTunes when I listened to smidgeons of all four songs. The first two were pretty low, a 3 and a 5 respectively. The third was through the roof (with good reason). What shocked me was Cher's Half Breed song. It was incredibly high in popularity as well, even though it sounded terrible to me. Upon further investigation, I found that this song was about a woman who is half-Cherokee and half-caucasion. In fact, the entire album was named Half Breed. At first I thought that maybe Cher was indeed of this racial mix and it was very personal. Which could explain some of the popularity.

While Cher does have some Cherokee blood in her, it's not much. Her mother was of Cherokee, English, and German descent. Her father was an Armenian refugee, which in my opinion is really where she got the features that could kind of be misinterpreted as Native American. So I don't think she was really ostracized (as the song lyrics and music video suggest) for being a Half Breed as a kid.

So I ultimately have no idea why the song was such a hit in America, and even less of an idea why it was popular in Sweden and Norway. But then again, High School Musical was a hit in both of those countries as well, so their taste is just clearly very different from mine. Hey, can you imagine the High School Musical GPS Voicetune...in Swedish?

Pictures:
Tahiti General Area
Hippie
Star Wars
Intubate
High School Musical (ugh)