Today In History returns

I know, I know, this has been anticipated for quite a while. I've been waiting because I wanted to make the column that ushered back in the era of "Today In History" really, REALLY fantastic. Today in history is probably one of the most important days ever. Not for the vast numbers of events that took place. Today in history is so huge because of one single event.

On this day, July 24, in 1948, Marvin the Martian made his first appearance to the world.

If there are any readers out there who are unfamiliar with Marvin the Martian, I want you to go stick your hands in boiling tar as punishment. Educate yourselves! It's Marvin!

Ok, take your hands out of the boiling tar and scroll down with your elbows, here are the essentials you should know about Marvin:

Looney Tunes character.
He's from Mars (duh).
His outfit is, well, there's a picture, look for yourself.
One catchphrase: "Where is the kaboom? There was supposed to be an earth-shattering kaboom!"
He's been trying to destroy the Earth for a VERY long time because it obstructs his view of Venus.
His Earth-destroying attempts are always foiled.
He has a martian pistol that fires energy beams and bubbles.
In 2011, we should expect to see a live-action/computer animated film about him.

I know what you're thinking: "Holy cow boiling tar hurts!" I'm sure it does. But you really need to focus on this upcoming movie, because this is a very important issue. Is Marvin going to be part of the live-action half of the movie? Or will he be computer animated?

Personally, I think he should be live-action. And I know just the perfect actor to play him:

Bill Milner.

I know what you're thinking: "My hands still feel like they've been submerged in boiling tar!" That's because they were. But you have a really short attention span. I doubt any of you have heard of Bill Milner. That's ok, don't run, I won't ask you to tar-boil your hands again. You should however, watch the preview for "Son of Rambow". Bill Milner plays the character Will Proudfoot (the kid pretending to be the son of Rambow). Don't you think he'd make a great Marvin? Well, I suppose if you didn't know Marvin, you wouldn't really know who could portray him well. And really it's just a matter of size, because his face is really just a pair of eyes. Although for those of you who thought that since we were just looking for somebody small and they should have a lot of acting experience, I just don't think Gary Coleman would cut it.

By the way, on the subject of actors, if anybody sees Michael Richards today (more popularly known as Kramer, less popularly known as Stanley Spedowski, the Janitor in UHF), wish him a happy birthday from me. The guy just hit 60 years old today. And I might as well mention that Gallagher (the watermelon comedian guy) turned 63 today, and Amelia Earhart turned 112. And if you run into her and wish her a happy birthday, I hope your stay in the Bermuda Triangle is pleasant and goes on without a hitch.

Back to Gary Coleman for a moment (because really, all good conversations get back to him at some point). A lot of you may know that he has a life littered with criminal charges. In 1998 he was charged with assault after he punched a woman. But most people don't know the setting of that story. Let me quote this sentence from Wikipedia directly:

"Coleman had been working as a security guard, and bus driver Tracy Fields requested his autograph while he was shopping for a bulletproof vest in a California mall."

Is that not one of the best sentences you've ever read?

How did Coleman get a job as a security guard? He's 4 feet, 8 inches tall. What security guard company hires regardless of height? I mean, I'm all for equal opportunity, but some people just aren't cut out for certain occupations! And it wouldn't even be a dinky security company where they never see any action because he was allegedly shopping for a BULLETPROOF VEST!!! Can you even find those in your average mall? Are there new, high-tech versions of them hanging on the racks in Brookstone, right next to their massage chairs?

By the way, Gary Coleman ran for governor of California in 2003. He turned up in 8th place with over 14 thousand votes.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for:

Gary Coleman's YouTube highlights:
The good ol' days
Divorce Court
The Church Ball trailer (one of Gary's latest films)

Pictures:
Marvin the Martian
Bill Milner
Gary Coleman
Brookstone Shopper Enjoying Massage Chair