A Superstore Across The River Styx

Today in history is a sad one indeed. I hope you're sitting down.

The very first Walmart opened for business on July 2, in Rogers, Arkansas.

And the world has never been the same since.

I've got to say, I don't have a personal vendetta against Walmart. I really don't. I think crushing all the opposition and pursuing greater wealth and domination is what football is all about. I mean, America. It's what America is all about.

Ask anybody what the American dream is and they'll tell you it's success and wealth untold, from nothing to something, from rags to riches. I think Walmart personifies that dream, having gone from their humble Arkansas roots to the world's largest public corporation by revenue (and what other factors really matter?).

For those of you who do feel that Walmart is the devil though, and that their HQ is firmly founded in Hades, make sure you're well aware of Walmart's grasp on humanity:

Walmart owns Sam's Club.
In other countries, Walmart goes by the following aliases: Walmex, Asda, Seiyu.
Walmart may be a shareholder on your soul.

For those of you who feel it is morally acceptable to shop at Walmart, let me make it easier for you to sleep at night:

In October of 2005, Walmart announced they would be starting a lot of environmental initiatives to increase energy efficiency. One of the main goals was spending $500 million per year to increase fuel efficiency in Walmart's truck fleet. The idea is to increase their efficiency by 25% within 3 years, and then have it doubled by 2015.

Wow. Alternatively, they could buy at least 20,000 Americans a new Prius each year. That would be kind of neat. They could start with their employees, which would probably solve ALL of their problems with lawsuits, accusations of being discriminatory/racist/sexist/whatever-ist.

I don't know which plan would be more environmentally-friendly, but I'm considering applying for a job there, just in case they go the Prius route.

Now, do you recall about five minutes ago when I mentioned Rogers, Arkansas, where Walmart got jump-started? Well Rogers lays claim to another awesome American chain. The HQ of Daisy Outdoor Products is located in Rogers.

What's that? You don't know Daisy Outdoor Products? Let's see if I can jog your memory with a couple movie quotes. They'll get progressively easier and you'll soon see the relevance of Daisy Outdoor Products:

"Aunt Clara had for years labored under the delusion that I was not only perpetually 4 years old, but also a girl."

"Some men are Baptists, others Catholics; my father was an Oldsmobile man."

"With as much dignity as he could muster, the Old Man gathered up the sad remains of his shattered major award. Later that night, alone in the backyard, he buried it next to the garage. Now I could never be sure, but I thought that I heard the sound of "Taps" being played, gently."

"Mothers know nothing about creeping marauders burrowing through the snow toward the kitchen where only you and you alone stand between your tiny, huddled family and insensate evil."

"Mommy's little piggie!"

"I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!"

To that last one, Santa Claus, his teacher, and just about every character in the movie (with the exception of his little brother Randy) tells him that he'll shoot his eye out.

And who makes the Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle? Daisy Outdoor Products.

I think that's got to be a part of the American dream too. Come to America with nothing, and end up with a superstore and a gun. At least you'll be able to protect your family as they huddle and cower in the kitchen, the one room in the house that all evil-doers attack first.

Pictures:
Frowny Face
Environmentally Friendly
Toyota Prius
Daisy Outdoor Products

P.S. I'll be out of town for a few days, so you're on your own. Mostly. You can check out these websites in your spare time (only one per day, you've got to pace yourself):

Best pranks of all time
An oddly addictive puzzle game
Random facts
Weird news

That should be enough to keep you tied up for a while.